Breaking down three days in row with a lot of anxiety going on throughout the day and triggering memories, I finally had a panic attack after 9years 1.5hours ago. Im recuperating in bed now with lotsa Buzzfeed videos. I donno if I’m strong enough for this anymore. It seems like it’s getting worst? Sighh..

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0147H

Behind the outfit, the hair that my stylist somehow knew I need, and the boots, hid a broken soul.

Crying when it rains.
Laughing when it pains.
Angry and frust when you love.
Anxious when there’s nothing.
Shouting when there’s no sound.
Understanding when
Tired when there’s enough sleep.
Tired when there’s no sleep.

2212H

Two months today. 😥

2228H

“If it’s not gonna matter in 2years, why bother?”

But it does. Every single bit of it.
It changed my perception towards men, relationships, friendships, family and myself.
It changed everything.
It wrecked whatever belittle confidence I have and I’m here trying to pick up all the pieces.
I don’t think I will be ever able to do it again. I know it’s a very beautiful thing but falling into depression scares me even more.
Yea. I’m that fucked up bitch.

7/7/2018

1919H

I don’t think I can ever find someone like how you used to be.

2323H

It feels like it’s almost forbidden for me to talk about my feelings and thoughts.

I told J off yesterday that what she finds comforting for herself may not be what’s comforting for me. What she needs are not, in any way, my needs. Possibly offended her loads because she did not reply after that. How it is that someone I called my bitch and have been close friends for 10years do not know what I need when I’m going through a tough time? I also don’t think I need someone who doesn’t let me cry in front of her and always digging my past sex life but not listening to my woes. How is that being a close friend?

So, yea.. In the mean time of picking up myself again, I’m redefining a lot of things.

I don’t feel so tired anymore but generally I’m always moody/sad with a lil pinch of anxiety. Such is life, for now.